As part of my self-improvement journey and goal of improving all aspects of my life, I’ve been reading a lot recently. While most of my book list is filled with topics on mindset and success, business, entrepreneurship, money, etc, I have also been enjoying books outside of those categories.
Books on relationships and social skills may seem odd but I’ve found that when you level up certain specific aspects of life such as dating and relationships the benefits will seep over into all aspects of life – you’ll start to realize how much social skills translate to business for example.
Some examples of relationship and social books I’ve been reading are How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and Models by Mark Manson. Today though we discuss The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida – a book more geared towards relationships, sexuality, and life in general.
Today though I will write about my thoughts on “The Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida.
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Introduction
This is a book I think every man should read no matter what stage of life they are in but this seems especially useful for a younger guy such as myself. I say that because, at this stage in life, I don’t have as much experience in the category of long-term relationships, general life goals, and dealing with the combination of those two things and fleshing out your life as a whole.
Some may dismiss this book because it generalizes feminine traits throughout the book. They might say it’s crude, vulgar, etc – for me, I’ve been trying to be more open-minded and learn from books and other people more – I think you can get value from lots of places even if you don’t agree with some portions.
I also don’t see how it can be against women specifically if the book itself states these traits can be had by both men and women – and finding that balance in a potential partner is key regardless of gender.
If you can’t separate ideas from good and bad and expose yourself to different points of view then why read in the first place?
So while the book may seem like it’s strictly for the stereotypical “alpha male” I found it to be surprisingly balanced in terms of the views and reasoning provided. The book is still written with masculine men in mind 80% of the time but I think everyone could benefit from parts of the book for sure.
I especially learned a lot from the nuances of “feminine and masculine energies” and that even men can be a bit more feminine or have some feminine traits and vice versa. It talks about these things in terms of society, and finding an optimal partner (in terms of meshing with your nature) – very useful in my opinion.
As someone who isn’t extremely or traditionally masculine in every way, I appreciated the viewpoint.
This book covers a lot of great topics I think everyone should reflect on such as your life purpose, your daily life in terms of drudgery and routine, finding and accepting constructive criticism, lots of thoughts on women, family, personal growth, etc.
Overall this book was very enjoyable and easy to read at around 200 pages. There are also around 50 individual chapters and lots of sections so you can read in chunks.
I finished it in two days but what I like even more is the fact that I can easily find chapters I liked and go back to them for rereading.
- “Men who have lived significant lives are men who never waited: not for money, security, ease, or women. Feel what you want to give most as a gift, to your woman and to the world, and do what you can to give it today. Every moment waited is a moment wasted, and each wasted moment degrades your clarity of purpose.” – David Deida
Life Purpose
The book talks a lot about a man’s “purpose”.
I think this is pretty key and made me think about how I am formatting my life in a variety of ways. You don’t want to get stuck in routines, work, or family life, and forget about what you truly aim to accomplish in life. This will just lead to resentment towards those you love the most.
It also touches on discovering your purpose, the importance of having one, etc. If you’ve been in the self-improvement space for any amount of time you’ve likely already heard of the concept quite a bit but the author provides refreshing advice on the topic.
- “If you don’t know your purpose, discover it, now. The core of your life is your purpose. Everything in your life, from your diet to your career, must be aligned with your purpose if you are to act with coherence and integrity in the world. If you know your purpose, your deepest desire, then the secret of success is to discipline your life so that you support your deepest purpose and minimize distractions and detours.” – David Deida
Your Edge
The book talks about a concept known as your “edge” which is your limit as a person.
You should always be close to your edge in terms of:
- Discomfort
- Fear
- Work ethic
- Growth
Not so much that you start to become burnt or appear as if you are overcompensating in an extreme direction but just to ensure consistent and gradual growth in key aspects of your life.
For me especially it’s quite easy for me to reach a goal and then stop pushing and relax for basically no reason or even worse get stuck in comfortable loops and never push myself.
Without living close to my edge in all aspects of life I’m missing out on growth and progress – it may be uncomfortable to approach women in the context of dating or men in the context of business but once you do you’ll have grown in some way.
Imagine if you never grew up in these areas and instead opted to live in comfort – maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world for you but it’s certainly not what I’m aiming for.
- “By eliminating the safety net of comforts in your life, you have the opportunity to free fall in this moment between birth and death, right through the hole of your fear, into the unthreatenable openness which is the source of your gifts. The superior man lives as this spontaneous sacrifice of love.” – David Deida
- “Just remember that self-discipline is not self-suppression. Suppression is when you resist and fight against your desires, keeping them as buried and unexpressed as possible. Self-discipline is when your highest desires rule your lesser desires, not through resistance, but through loving action grounded in understanding and compassion.” – David Deida
Women
This is what I feel is the second core of the book besides the “life” aspect which focuses on finding your purpose and how that relates to everything else.
This section (women) was one I enjoyed as well – maybe even more than the “life” section. This is because as a younger guy who hasn’t had much experience in terms of a serious long-term relationship, I learned a ton.
Just in terms of the masculine-feminine dynamic, looking a bit into the mindset of women, topics on sexuality in relationships, etc, all extremely useful and topics that you won’t find in more surface-level advice thrown around online.
I found the content to be extremely refreshing and enjoyable – even if some of the chapters didn’t resonate with me personally (for various reasons) it still introduced various ideas or ways to think about relationships.
The author has a personal perspective which the book is sort of centered around in terms of describing masculine and feminine energy and some people will interpret the concepts in negative ways – take this for what you will.
Final Thoughts
Overall The Way Of The Superior Man may be one of the more controversial books that I’ve read but I think if you read the book and think about what it’s trying to say you’ll gain the full picture.
I also don’t see how the book can be viewed as generalizing women when the author states that even men can have feminine traits as well – not everything is so black and white in terms of relationships, life goals, etc.
I would recommend it just to open your perspective a bit on relationships, and thinking about your life journey in general.
- “It is honorable for a man to admit his fears, resistance, and edge of practice. It is simply true that each man has his limit, his capacity for growth, and his destiny. But it is dishonorable for him to lie to himself or others about his real place. He shouldn’t pretend he is more enlightened than he is—nor should he stop short of his actual edge. The more a man is playing his real edge, the more valuable he is as good company for other men, the more he can be trusted to be authentic and fully present. Where a man’s edge is located is less important than whether he is actually living his edge in truth, rather than being lazy or deluded.” – David Deida